Good Directions

It was a typical weekday morning. My alarm went off at the same time that it goes off every morning...at exactly 7:13 am. That means that I have exactly 18 minutes to pull myself together before I leave my house at 7:31 to fight the morning traffic to get to work on time at 8:00 am. A "typical" morning for me usually goes something like this: I jump out of bed like a pop-tart when my alarm goes off.  I then take three dogs down three flights of steps for their morning potty break. Since I am too rushed to have time to put their leashes on I usually end up chasing them in my pajamas and fuzzy slippers all over my apartment complex's grounds because they happen to see someone on the complete opposite side of the parking lot that they want to chase. I finally get them all rounded up and back into the house to feed them their breakfast. It is now about 7:24 and I only have seven minutes to dress myself and make myself look semi-presentable for work.  As I open my closet I realize that every work outfit needs to be ironed so I throw something in the dryer and hope for the best when it comes out! I decided on my typical black dress pants and white shirt(my basic work wardrobe consists of black, white, and tan..it makes mornings much easier when deciding what to wear). As I get ready to put on my trusty charcoal gray flats I happen to catch a glimpse of my brand new hot pink stilettos peeking out of their box.  I was so torn...trusty flats or racy stilettos? I had the professional workplace angel on one shoulder telling me," Although they are cute, are they really work apporpriate, Janel?"  The racy footwear devil was on my other shoulder telling me,"You could die tomorrow. Do you really want to die having never worn your hot pink stilettos?"  That was it. Hot pink stilettos it was. My reasoning being that I would just be sitting behind my desk all day anyway. Noone else had to see them but me. It would just be my little secret.

I fought the morning traffic and miraculously made it to work on time. I dodged everyone on the way to my desk and slipped those bad boys under my desk before you could say," You just commited business wardrobe suicide!" Just as I was getting situated my co-worker Brandi said," Did they tell you what you are doing?" To which I replied," Who? What?" Brandi notified me that I was asked to drive to our other office in Kinston to help with chart reviews. I coudn't believe it! Never has this happened before and NEVER have I worn hot pink stilettos to work!! I printed out my mapquest directions and headed for the car.


I was on my way to the gas station to fill up my little Beemer with gas before my journey. I was feeling so frazzled. I was irritated that I had to drive all the way to Kinston, I knew my stilettos were not going to be comfortable, and I was nervous about filling up the gas tank. For those of you who are wondering why I would be nervous about filling up my gas tank..please refer to blog post number 2 entitled "Gas Pump Botch!" My husband always fills up my gas tank for me..not because I am spoiled..well maybe partially because I am spoiled. But mostly for the safety of others and myself.


I filled up the gas tank without any explosions, ripped gas hoses, or drive-offs and felt my confidence building. I remember thinking to myself,"see? that wasn't so bad. Maybe with age your bad luck is getting better." I set off for the highway feeling much more positive. I was on the highway for about 40 miles before I followed the directions which indicated to turn off to a tiny town called "Chinquapin." As I followed the directions I noticed they were taking me further and further away from civilization and closer to what could be the middle of nowhere.I had no cell phone service and just when I thought I was as far out in the middle of nowhere as I could be I then saw the dreaded words that every person traveling alone with no gps or cellphone service hates to see: Detour. I will say that in that moment I realized that my bad luck definitely HAD NOT dimished with age and I was preparing myself for the worst. I traveled along and realized after passing several turkey farms and actually seeing a cardboard sign that said"we have collard greens" that someone had forgotten to put the next Detour sign up!! I was wandering aimlessly along the countryside of North Carolina in my shiny little Beemer wearing my hot pink heels wondering how I was going to get myself out of this mess. I finally found the first sign of life..it was a junkyard but I saw a beatup old truck out front so I hoped there was someone inside who could point me in the right direction. By the time that I saw the truck out front I was almost past the entrance so I slammed on the brakes and skidded in...


The junkyard parking lot was not even with the road I was driving on so my car went KABOOM as it hit the dirt parking lot. My little Beemer was literally invisible for at least 30 seconds before the dust settled! I whipped through the parking leaving a trail of dust behind me. I jumped out and tried to find the door to the place, but all the while my shiny little stilettos got covered in dust! I threw open the door and stormed in there like a bat outta hell. I then surveyed my surroundings...There was country music blaring from an old radio.  The place was all concrete and there was a man chewing tobacco sitting in an old desk on the phone. He was wearing coveralls and was about as country as they came. He took one look at me in my dress clothes and pink high heels and tried to stifle his smirk. He pulled the phone away from his mouth and said in the most southern accent I have ever heard," Kin I heelp you" To which I replied," Yes, I am lost." To which he replied," Ya don't say?"


After trying as hard as I could to translate the southern gobbledygook directions he gave me I was back on my journey. I had to keep my eye out for things like" the turkey farm or the piggly wiggly" as landmarks. After taking over 2 hours longer than anticipated I finally reached my destination..feeling extremely frazzled! Not to mention my feet were KILLING me! As soon as I got there the person I was assisting in chart reviews announced that it was time for lunch. She asked me to go with her to a place called "King's buffet."


"King's buffet" turned out to be a famous North Carolina barbecue joint. It had every vinegar based barbecue you could imagine and collard greens, and turnips, and okra, and bread "puddin." Yet again I was "one of these is not like the other" in that place! Can you say"fish outta water?!" as I tried to carry my tray without tripping or wiping out in my pink heels! Definitely a spectacle.


After my chart reviews were complete for the day I set back out on the long journey home. Of course I had to come the way that I came and try to retrace my steps back through the turkey farms and piggly wiggly which proved to be no easy feat. As I zoomed through the countryside I barely noticed the police checkpoint that was set up in the absolute middle of NOWHERE! What in the world were they doing setting up a checkpoint here anyway?!  I slammed on my brakes and my purse went flying!! The sheriff deputy came up to my car and asked for my license and registration. At this point I was past the point of irritated. I filched through my purse and tried to find my license and then dug through my messy glovebox to find my registration. By the time I found everything he needed he could sense my extreme irritability. "Rough day?" he asked.. I replied, "Oh, I don't know I am wearing extremely uncomfortable high heels, I have basically been on the road for 6 hours, and I AM STILL LOST!!" He laughed and gave me written directions back to Wilmington.


Two hours later I made it back to Wilmington..much wiser. I learned to never listen to the racy footwear devil again, to always wear my trusty charcoal gray flats, and to invest in a GPS!