Sunday, February 22, 2015

I Didn't Know I was Lost

I've debated whether or not I should write this post, but my parents raised me to always do the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing causes you to lose friends or start a controversy.

Crew James. My precious baby boy. He was born October 25th 2012. He was beautiful and I fell so in love. Moms of boys, you get it. That little boy steals your heart forever and you will never get it back. There is something so precious, so sacred about the bond you have with your son.

It was a few weeks before Crew would be turning one. It was supposed to be a happy, exciting, and joyous time. Instead it was overwhelming, confusing, and sad.

I had finally dug myself out of a very big hole. The hole of denial. Denial that it wasn't normal for my son to not respond to his own name. Denial that it wasn't normal that he had never shown one sign of affection. Denial that it wasn't normal that I could leave him overnight and when I went to pick him up he didn't recognize me. He looked right through me. He would scream if I asked him to make eye contact with me. He would scream if I hugged him. He would sit and watch Bubble Guppies and flap his arms. I could leave him with a perfect stranger in the church nuersery and he wouldn't even flinch. It was two weeks before he turned one and I finally told myself that it wasn't normal. I allowed my mind to go there. The "A" word. Autism.

I took Crew to a close friend's house for a few hours. I mentioned my concerns when I dropped him off because she immediately knew I looked upset. When I picked Crew up there was another young lady there whose parents worked with children with Autism. She said Crew should be screened right away. She said words like "autism" and "early intervention is key." All I wanted to do was cry. I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself and cry. I didn't know where to turn.

It was exactly two weeks before Crew's first birthday. I had some errands to run so I dropped Crew off at my Dad's for a few minutes. While I was driving in the car I heard the song "Wake Me Up."
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I broke. I sobbed and sobbed.  My baby boy. He was lost and he didn't even know he was lost. I knew he was in there somewhere. I prayed to God that He would help me find him. I begged God to heal him. I prayed that God would point me in the right direction. I begged God and I cried and cried and cried. My baby boy, that precious gift God had given me. I was supposed to take care of him, nurture him,protect him, but I had failed him. I vowed to myself that I would spend every day of the rest of my life doing whatever it took to get my little boy back. 

                        One year prior:

Before Crew was born, I was too busy organizing his nursery and folding his baby clothes to research the important things like vaccines or inductions. I did know that I wasn't comfortable with vaccines. I had not done enough research though to know why. I knew I wanted to do a delayed schedule. My labor and delivery with Crew was rough. He was over 9 pounds and I was overdue. So that meant pitocin and an epidural and a drug called demerol. He wasn't even born yet and I failed him. His heart rate was dropping very low with every contraction. After 2 failed forceps attempts, he was born. Within minutes after his tramautic birth he was given the Hepatitis B vaccine. A vaccine for a virus that is caused by being infected with shared needles or sexual activity. He was minutes old and I had already failed him. He barely ate for the first week of his life. He slept. He was a 9.2 pound baby and he was too tired and too drugged to eat.

Crew was eight weeks old. I took him to his first well baby visit. I knew deep down in my gut, in my core that I was not comfortable with him being vaccinated so early. I wanted to at least hold off. I wanted to give his tiny immune system a chance to develop while I did my research. God gives Moms a thing called "mother's intuition." I told his ped my concerns. She looked at me like I had nineteen eyeballs. She told me it wouldn't make any difference if I waited. She made me feel like I was a bad Mom for questioning her. For following my intuition. I complied. He had all of his eight week vaccines. I gave him tylenol like the ped told me to do. Not knowing that Tylenol actually depleted the brain of glutathione. Glutathione is a molecule that absorbs the impact of free radicals. Free radicals damage cell DNA and can cause permanent mutations. Our bodies use anti-oxidants to kill the free radicals in our bodies. I not only injected him with live viruses and known toxins, but I also gave him Tylenol. Tylenol promotes the toxicity of Mercury. Vaccines contain Mercury.

He came home from his "well baby" visit and slept. He slept for days. He screamed. He had a high fever. I called his ped. She said it was "normal." He would lay in his bed and scream. Ear piercing screams like he was dying. I knew he was fed, changed, burped. I thought maybe he was overtired. Maybe he just wanted to be held.

Four months later it was time for another "well baby" checkup. He was weighed and they measured him and told me he needed more vaccines. I knew how he handled his last set. I said I wanted to hold off. I was bullied again. I was afraid of what they would do if I just said "NO!" I told them my concerns from his last set and I was again reassured it was normal. This set of vaccines I saw the light go out in his eyes. He stopped making eye contact. He refused to be held unless he had a bottle. He would scream if I held him. He was constipated for weeks. My husband and I literally brought home a different baby. He never went back to wanting to be held. He never made eye contact again. He never noticed when we left the room. I knew all of this. My husband and I even talked about it. I had failed my son again.

We went back for his 6 month well visit and we were told he needed more vaccines. I described what happened after the last set and asked the ped again if this was normal. I came right out and asked if vaccines caused "autism". The doctor said,"no, vaccines do not cause autism. I felt stupid for asking. He got his 6 month set and got deathly sick. A fever over 103, runny nose, cough. He couldn't breathe at night from being so sick and it lasted weeks. I saw even more regression. He had just started saying "dada" and "mama" a few weeks earlier. It all stopped. More regression. More confusion. More failing on my part.

Months went by and I knew I was losing my baby boy. I denied it. I thought he would snap out of it.

Then came that car ride two weeks before his first birthday. I begged God for answers. I knew my baby wasn't born this way. I knew it. I knew it my core, in my bones that this baby boy was not born this way. I knew I had to fix him. He depended on me. But I knew I didn't have much time.

I had to start somewhere. I started with Bubble Guppies. I read that it caused too much stimulation for a child under two to watch television. Bye bye Bubble Guppies. He started to show improvement. It was a few days before his birthday and I scheduled his well baby visit. The ped told me he was due for his 12 month vaccines. The MMR vaccine being the big one. I said no. We are delaying vaccines at this time. She told me that he had to have vaccines to go to school. I later found out that he does not need vaccines to go to school thanks to a little freedom called a religious exemption. A freedom that many are trying to take away. Parents are trying to take this exemption away. You take this away and you are opening an even bigger can of worms. Your child has ADHD? Cancer? Do you want someone forcing your child to take Ritalin? To have chemo? Medicine is a personal choice. It is a freedom. You take that away and it will be the begininng of the end.

I started reading. I started poring over every autism book, article, website known to man. I started joining facebook groups of other parents who had children with Autism. The more I read the farther I got sucked in. I was in over my head. But it all started making sense.  I was obsessed. I didn't sleep. I started putting the puzzle pieces together.
In January of 2013 took Crew to a new doctor. My family's doctor. He delivered me when I was born. I knew he would help me get Crew a referal. He spent a few minutes with Crew and he knew something wasn't right. Crew had an appointment for May 2013 with a pediatric neurologist.

I discovered that Autism is the brain's reaction to toxins. I learned that the percentage of children actually born with Autism was very low. I learned that certain children are more "predisposed" to have difficulty filtering out "enviromental toxins." I learned that "gut health" is extremely key to "brain health." I learned that vaccines contain toxins. I learned that vaccines destroy gut health.

I read vaccine inserts, I spoke with parents of vaccine injured children. I read until my eyes burned, until my fingers couldn't type in one more search. I continued to put the pieces together. Slowly. I talked to parents who healed their child naturally.

Then I took action. I had four months until his appointment. Four months to find my little boy before the neurogist would give him a label.

I knew that some children are more predisposed to not being able to filter out toxins. I knew that toxins contribute to Autism. I knew that gut health is directly related to brain health. So the first step was to cut out all toxins. That meant no more vaccines. That meant all natural shampoo, fluoride free toothpaste, all natural baby lotion. I started using all natural cleaning products. I stopped using my Scentsy and burning carcinogen laden candles. I stopped using perfume. I used all natural laundry detergent. I stopped using fabric softner. I cut out every single possible toxin that I could. I started feeling better. Crew started to respond.

Then I knew I had to get rid of the toxins already built up in his body. I started with a heavy metal detox. Zeolite. It is all natural and it binds to heavy metals in the body and takes them out. Vaccines contain mercury. So does pitocin. So does seafood. That is why pregnant woman aren't supposed to eat it. But Mercury is safe to inject into a newborn's immature immune system? The Zeolite worked immediately. Within a few days he literally was a new little boy. I kept going. I started giving him a weekly detox bath in Epsom salts. I started using essential oils. I applied lemon, frankincense and lavendar essential oils to his feet at night. Lemon cleans out the cells while lavendar helps the body rest while Frankincense literally regenerates the cells. He showed more improvement. He started talking. My husband started calling me "Captain Crunch."

We took him to the chiropractor. He started getting weekly adjustments. Chiropractic care involves the nervous system. When the nervous system isn't working your immune system is compromised.

I needed to heal his gut. I introduced vitamins and supplements. I started him on a multivitamin, Vitamin D, vitamin c(kills free radicals, filters out toxins) I took him to an Iridoligist. I learned that Crew had a parasite. About 80% of Americans have some form of parasitic activity. We got rid of the parasite and he started to talk some more. The iridologist suggested to give him Cod liver oil and she adjusted his vitamin and supplements to exactly what his body needed. He showed more improvement. I introduced raw, organic milk. Probiotics. More improvement. I always had Crew on a very healthy diet. He only drank milk and water. Fruits, veggies, venison, organic meats. But because of the vaccines destroying his gut health and the parasite activity his little body wasn't absorbing nutrition.

Everything started coming together. Every day I woke up and saw more improvement. I was finding him. I cried tears of joy. I thanked God for helping me to help my son. For sending the right people to point me in the right direction and to share what worked for them. 

May came and so did his neurology appointment. I wasn't afraid any more. I knew deep down that he was fine. I knew that if I had continued on with his one year MMR vaccine and if I hadn't found a way to naturally heal him I would be terrified to go to that appointment. I was still nervous though. Any time you know someone is going to spend time with your child in order to "evaluate" him or try to find a label or category to put him in, you are going to be nervous. The neurologist laughed and in a nice way called me a "paranoid crazy mom." My husband and I kept telling him that the little boy sitting before him was much different than the little boy that needed an evalutation months before.

What have I learned on this emotional roller coaster with my first born son? I have learned to always trust my instincts. I've learned to do my own research. I've learned that giving my baby boy his vaccines is my biggest life's regret, but being able see with my own eyes what prayer and a Mother dedicated to helping her son can do is my greatest life's gift. I am thankful. I am thankful to see a happy little boy who is starting to put sentences together and says "thanks Mommy" a million times a day. I am thankful with every hug and kiss he gives me just because. I watch him sleep at night and weep. I know not everyone is this lucky. I know some people won't catch it in time. I'm thankful that when I talk to other Moms who are going through the same thing, but are afraid to talk to other's about it, come to me. I'm thankful that I can say, " I've already done the leg work. Try this. I've been there. It is so scary and sad, but I will try to point you in the right direction because I know you feel lost. You feel lost because you know your child is lost and you just want to find them too." 

I hear the harsh words other parents say. Parents who have no idea the thousands of hours I have spent researching every article I can find, reading vaccine inserts, weighing the pros and the cons. Parents who know that the CDC whistleblower admitted that the CDC covered up findings that proved vaccines are linked to autism in African American boys. If the CDC has findings that vaccines are indeed linked to Autism than maybe, just maybe we should be more concerned with the other adverse reactions listed. Especially knowing that autism is at 1 in 68. Autism is the least of our worries when it comes to vaccine reactions.

I hear the parents that say that my child who has NEVER even had a sniffle(minus vaccine reactions) will infect their child with the measles. Not knowing that THIER child who was recently vaccinated with the MMR vaccine is now carrying a live virus. A virus that sheds. It can shed to infants, the elderly, even middle aged adults. It is written right on the vaccine insert. Parents who judge my parenting because I have decided that acute health issues like measles and chicken pox aren't as scary to me as chronic health issues like deadly food allergies, seizures, asthma, autoimmune disorders, etc. People tell me that their children were fully vaccinated and they turned out just fine, but they have no problem posting on facebook pictures of their children with a nebulizer. Their child has deadly food allergies, seizures, asthma, constant ear infections, always sick, chronic colic, tourettes, ADHD, ADD, RA, the list goes on and on. Count how many times I have posted about my children being sick. Never. My daugher has never been touched by a needle. She is the happiest, most alert, and healthiest baby. I see the difference in her compared to Crew, but thankfully Crew has still never been sick. I had a completely drug free childbirth. My daughter surprised all of the nurses with her hearty appetite and alertness. My husband and I both were in awe over the difference of an unvaccinated child with an unmedicated childbirth.

Other parents like to use the words "jumping on the bandwagon". The term" jumping on the bandwagon" to me does not mean going against what the norm is. Jumping on the bandwagon is lining up like blind sheep to listen to what their pediatrician who actually gets paid for every vaccine given says. Jumping on the bandwagon to me means showing up at your baby's wellness checkup and doing no research other than blindly following what your pediatrician says and classifying that as "your own research." Did you know that if your child develops an adverse reaction and dies from a vaccine or is injured that the only person responsible is you?  You signed that form. Did you know that you cannot sue the vaccine manufacturers? Let that sink in for a moment. Then start thinking for yourself and wonder why on earth there would be one entity on earth that is impossible to have a lawsuit filed against? Then ask yourself, "is that who I trust with my child's health?

Read one vaccine insert. Read the list of adverse reactions. I have spoken to so many people who have either lost their child to vaccines or have a vaccine injured child for life. I have yet to speak with somone who lost their child to Measles or Polio. And help me Rhonda, the chicken pox are not deadly! Especially in a child with an immune system that has not been bombarded with foreign materials and toxins and live viruses. Read the list of ingredients on the vaccine inserts. Please tell me that you are 100% sure that they have absolutely NOTHING to do with the rampant rise of autism and cancer in children. True immunity is not achieved from a vaccine. A vaccine does not mean a child is immune. Only when a child has naturally acquired the illness can true immunity be obtained. 

If you want to tell me that you thank vaccines for keeping your child "healthy" and saving the world from diseases like polio then you need to understand that those diseases were already declining prior to the vaccine being introduced. So you should be saying," I thank the people who realized that basic handwashing and proper sanitation stopped the spread of disease.

Have you ever wondered why we don't have a vaccine for Scarlet Fever? I have. It would make sense wouldn't it?


I am not here to start a debate. I am not here to tell you how to raise your child. Do your own research. It is out there. I have already done the research I needed to, to be able to sleep at night knowing I am doing what is best for MY children.  I am here to share what helped my son. To share a tiny bit of the information that I have found. IF I can reach one other person who is going through what I went though then this post is worth the "friends" I will lose.


If you met Crew today, you would have no idea of the challenges that he has overcome. He is a typical 2 year old boy and he still melts my heart every day. I am so thankful.

Monday, February 16, 2015

She is Fierce



          -an unexpected or astonishing event, fact, or thing.


     That is the best way to describe my second child.

After my first child Crew was born, my husband and I were very emphatic that he would be an only child. We were so happy with our little guy that we couldn't even imagine adding anything or anyone else to our happiness. Every time someone would ask us when he was going to have a little playmate we very kindly said, "NEVER!" We both knew how lucky we were to have such an easy, happy, calm baby. He slept through the night very early on and he was that kid that we just took along with us wherever we went. We didn't let having a baby change our lives. He made being parents...easy.

I will honestly say that I didn't believe it would be fair to have another baby. Most moms have their first baby and say that they can't wait to have more. That wasn't me. I was so in love with him that I couldn't imagine my heart growing any more than it already had. I felt like the heart had already grown 3 sizes too big. How could it possibly grow any more to love another child?

On February 22, 2015 came surprise number 1:

A positive pregnancy test.

My reaction can pretty much be summed up in this quote:

" If I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now."- Chevy Chase, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

I was terrified. My recovery with Crew was awful. He weighed over 9 pounds. That is not something I ever planned on doing again in this lifetime. I can honestly say that my fear took away from my happiness. If I had another recovery like I did with Crew how would I take care of a toddler AND a newborn? I couldn't even take care of myself. I was afraid that Crew would be jealous. That he wouldn't like the new baby. I was afraid I wouldn't love the new baby as much as him.

On May 9th 2014 came surprise number 2:

Daniel has always wanted a little girl. He grew up in a family of all boys. He always said he thought it was impossible for him to have a little girl. Why? Maybe because he wanted one so badly and maybe because he comes from a family of all boys.

I also grew up in a family of all boys. I am the youngest of four. I was a tomboy. I had THREE older brothers so I had to learn to hold my own at a young age. I was also a bully. I will admit it! I was rough and tough and not girly at all. My mom was hoping for a little girl for so long. Then I was born after 3 boys and 3 miscarriages and 10 years after my brother. I am sure I was not quite what she had in mind. I was ALWAYS in trouble. I never owned a Barbie doll. I was more interested in playing with the neighborhood boys and swimming in the creek than I was tea time and princesses. I never watched Disney movies. I was the girl that got spanked at school! Who gets spanked at school?! I did! I was downright BAD. My brothers always told me that someday I would get my punishment in the form of my own little girl. Well, Crew was born and I thought I was safe.

When I found out that we were having a girl I was definitely surpirsed. I was scared. I have 3 brothers, I married into a family of 4 boys, I had my own little boy. I thought I would be the mom to all boys. I remember thinking What would I do with a girl? I don't know how to braid!! I need Disney Princess 101!!  I love having a little boy. He is so easy. Will she be born a diva?! Will she cry all of the time and I won't love her as much as Crew?

One thing I knew for sure, was that if I had a little girl she was probably going to be (GASPS) It was a scary thought. So when it came time to start planning her nursery I had this plaque made for her:

 My little girl will be little, yes. But she will be fierce. She will stand her ground, she might seem abrasive and bossy at times, but underneath it all she will have a big heart. A big laugh. She will probably be accident prone, but again that will make others laugh and she will always have the best stories. She won't be that girl that fades into the background. She will never settle for mediocre. She will love fiercely and she will never settle for less for herself or those she loves.

On October 23rd 2013 came surprise number 2:

It was 4:00 in the afternoon and I was 10 days from my due date. I was terrified of having another big baby and I knew if I went early that might help the situation. I felt contractions coming on and I knew from a previous doctor appointment that I was already over 5 cm dilated. Since Daniel had to go in for night shift that night I knew it would be a good idea to make sure baby wasn't coming that night. I didn't want to chance it with my luck. I can only imagine baby coming too fast and me delivering her by myself with a toddler assisting.(although that could have made a REALLY good blog) 

When I got to the hospital at 5:30  I was at 6 cm but not showing signs of active labor. I was too progressed to go home, but not enough that they could admit me. So I walked the hospital until 8:30. I was still not making any progress so the midwife asked if I would like to be admitted and she would break my water to see if it would get things going.

I had already made up my mind that this birth was going to be on MY terms. All natural, no iv fluids, no induction, no pitocin, no nothing! I agreed to let her break my water, but that was it. By the time I got admitted it was 10:15. She broke my water at 10:30 and within minutes I was in hard labor. I paced the room the entire time. I bounced on the birthing ball. I thought I was going to die. The song Ring of Fire was playing in my head. That's what unmedicated childbirth felt like. A ring of fire. At 11:50 pm I called for the midwife to check me because I couldn't imagine the pain getting any worse. I felt like baby was coming. She told me I was at 8 cm and it was probably going to be a while before baby came. I kept telling her that I felt like baby was coming NOW. While Daniel and the midwife were discussing epidurals(like I wasn't even there) I said I had to go to the bathroom. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom and the nurse followed me and waited outside the door.

 I sat on the toilet and thought I was going to throw up. But instead a noise came out of me that still haunts me to this day. I know everyone in the hospital heard it. It was an excorcism like scream and I did it twice and when I looked up Daniel, the midwife, and the nurse were standing at the door and their faces had turned white. According to Daniel's recount of the story, he walked in and I was standing up and he saw a head between my legs.

The midwife told the nurse to get the rapid response team. When the nurse came back in she grabbed me and pulled me on top of her and fell down on the floor. We were blocking the door so the rapid response team just sat behind us and watched. Daniel and the midwife were between me and the shower. One more push and baby was born right into Daniel's arms. On the bathroom floor. No gloves, no scrubs. Cali Larke Patel was born at 11:58 p.m. She weighed 7.7 pounds and 20 inches long. She was born exactly 7 minutes after the midwife entered the room to check me and 1 minute after she told me it was going to be a long time.

That little girl was in a hurry. Of course she was going to have a dramatic entrance into the world! She's my daughter isn't she?!

I walked back to the bed. My baby was born on MY terms this time. No drugs, no IV fluids, no pitocin, no epidural, She was born on the bathroom floor into her Daddy's arms and it was crazy and hectic and emotional and beautiful and perfect. Just how a daughter of mine should be born. With a story. 

After I got back to the bed I finally got to hold her. She was beautiful and perfect and boy oh boy did she have great hair!

Surprise number 4: I wasn't expecting Cali to be such a sweet happy baby. She was just as easy as Crew. I wasn't expecting Crew to love her so much. He has never shown one sign of jealousy since she has been born. She fit into our family perfectly and as cliche as it sounds she completed it.

Start to finish this little girl has been the biggest surprise of our lives. She was the best surprise.
 And the biggest surprise of all? I never thought I would love this little girl so fiercely.