Sunday, February 22, 2015

I Didn't Know I was Lost

I've debated whether or not I should write this post, but my parents raised me to always do the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing causes you to lose friends or start a controversy.

Crew James. My precious baby boy. He was born October 25th 2012. He was beautiful and I fell so in love. Moms of boys, you get it. That little boy steals your heart forever and you will never get it back. There is something so precious, so sacred about the bond you have with your son.

It was a few weeks before Crew would be turning one. It was supposed to be a happy, exciting, and joyous time. Instead it was overwhelming, confusing, and sad.

I had finally dug myself out of a very big hole. The hole of denial. Denial that it wasn't normal for my son to not respond to his own name. Denial that it wasn't normal that he had never shown one sign of affection. Denial that it wasn't normal that I could leave him overnight and when I went to pick him up he didn't recognize me. He looked right through me. He would scream if I asked him to make eye contact with me. He would scream if I hugged him. He would sit and watch Bubble Guppies and flap his arms. I could leave him with a perfect stranger in the church nuersery and he wouldn't even flinch. It was two weeks before he turned one and I finally told myself that it wasn't normal. I allowed my mind to go there. The "A" word. Autism.

I took Crew to a close friend's house for a few hours. I mentioned my concerns when I dropped him off because she immediately knew I looked upset. When I picked Crew up there was another young lady there whose parents worked with children with Autism. She said Crew should be screened right away. She said words like "autism" and "early intervention is key." All I wanted to do was cry. I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself and cry. I didn't know where to turn.

It was exactly two weeks before Crew's first birthday. I had some errands to run so I dropped Crew off at my Dad's for a few minutes. While I was driving in the car I heard the song "Wake Me Up."
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I broke. I sobbed and sobbed.  My baby boy. He was lost and he didn't even know he was lost. I knew he was in there somewhere. I prayed to God that He would help me find him. I begged God to heal him. I prayed that God would point me in the right direction. I begged God and I cried and cried and cried. My baby boy, that precious gift God had given me. I was supposed to take care of him, nurture him,protect him, but I had failed him. I vowed to myself that I would spend every day of the rest of my life doing whatever it took to get my little boy back. 

                        One year prior:

Before Crew was born, I was too busy organizing his nursery and folding his baby clothes to research the important things like vaccines or inductions. I did know that I wasn't comfortable with vaccines. I had not done enough research though to know why. I knew I wanted to do a delayed schedule. My labor and delivery with Crew was rough. He was over 9 pounds and I was overdue. So that meant pitocin and an epidural and a drug called demerol. He wasn't even born yet and I failed him. His heart rate was dropping very low with every contraction. After 2 failed forceps attempts, he was born. Within minutes after his tramautic birth he was given the Hepatitis B vaccine. A vaccine for a virus that is caused by being infected with shared needles or sexual activity. He was minutes old and I had already failed him. He barely ate for the first week of his life. He slept. He was a 9.2 pound baby and he was too tired and too drugged to eat.

Crew was eight weeks old. I took him to his first well baby visit. I knew deep down in my gut, in my core that I was not comfortable with him being vaccinated so early. I wanted to at least hold off. I wanted to give his tiny immune system a chance to develop while I did my research. God gives Moms a thing called "mother's intuition." I told his ped my concerns. She looked at me like I had nineteen eyeballs. She told me it wouldn't make any difference if I waited. She made me feel like I was a bad Mom for questioning her. For following my intuition. I complied. He had all of his eight week vaccines. I gave him tylenol like the ped told me to do. Not knowing that Tylenol actually depleted the brain of glutathione. Glutathione is a molecule that absorbs the impact of free radicals. Free radicals damage cell DNA and can cause permanent mutations. Our bodies use anti-oxidants to kill the free radicals in our bodies. I not only injected him with live viruses and known toxins, but I also gave him Tylenol. Tylenol promotes the toxicity of Mercury. Vaccines contain Mercury.

He came home from his "well baby" visit and slept. He slept for days. He screamed. He had a high fever. I called his ped. She said it was "normal." He would lay in his bed and scream. Ear piercing screams like he was dying. I knew he was fed, changed, burped. I thought maybe he was overtired. Maybe he just wanted to be held.

Four months later it was time for another "well baby" checkup. He was weighed and they measured him and told me he needed more vaccines. I knew how he handled his last set. I said I wanted to hold off. I was bullied again. I was afraid of what they would do if I just said "NO!" I told them my concerns from his last set and I was again reassured it was normal. This set of vaccines I saw the light go out in his eyes. He stopped making eye contact. He refused to be held unless he had a bottle. He would scream if I held him. He was constipated for weeks. My husband and I literally brought home a different baby. He never went back to wanting to be held. He never made eye contact again. He never noticed when we left the room. I knew all of this. My husband and I even talked about it. I had failed my son again.

We went back for his 6 month well visit and we were told he needed more vaccines. I described what happened after the last set and asked the ped again if this was normal. I came right out and asked if vaccines caused "autism". The doctor said,"no, vaccines do not cause autism. I felt stupid for asking. He got his 6 month set and got deathly sick. A fever over 103, runny nose, cough. He couldn't breathe at night from being so sick and it lasted weeks. I saw even more regression. He had just started saying "dada" and "mama" a few weeks earlier. It all stopped. More regression. More confusion. More failing on my part.

Months went by and I knew I was losing my baby boy. I denied it. I thought he would snap out of it.

Then came that car ride two weeks before his first birthday. I begged God for answers. I knew my baby wasn't born this way. I knew it. I knew it my core, in my bones that this baby boy was not born this way. I knew I had to fix him. He depended on me. But I knew I didn't have much time.

I had to start somewhere. I started with Bubble Guppies. I read that it caused too much stimulation for a child under two to watch television. Bye bye Bubble Guppies. He started to show improvement. It was a few days before his birthday and I scheduled his well baby visit. The ped told me he was due for his 12 month vaccines. The MMR vaccine being the big one. I said no. We are delaying vaccines at this time. She told me that he had to have vaccines to go to school. I later found out that he does not need vaccines to go to school thanks to a little freedom called a religious exemption. A freedom that many are trying to take away. Parents are trying to take this exemption away. You take this away and you are opening an even bigger can of worms. Your child has ADHD? Cancer? Do you want someone forcing your child to take Ritalin? To have chemo? Medicine is a personal choice. It is a freedom. You take that away and it will be the begininng of the end.

I started reading. I started poring over every autism book, article, website known to man. I started joining facebook groups of other parents who had children with Autism. The more I read the farther I got sucked in. I was in over my head. But it all started making sense.  I was obsessed. I didn't sleep. I started putting the puzzle pieces together.
In January of 2013 took Crew to a new doctor. My family's doctor. He delivered me when I was born. I knew he would help me get Crew a referal. He spent a few minutes with Crew and he knew something wasn't right. Crew had an appointment for May 2013 with a pediatric neurologist.

I discovered that Autism is the brain's reaction to toxins. I learned that the percentage of children actually born with Autism was very low. I learned that certain children are more "predisposed" to have difficulty filtering out "enviromental toxins." I learned that "gut health" is extremely key to "brain health." I learned that vaccines contain toxins. I learned that vaccines destroy gut health.

I read vaccine inserts, I spoke with parents of vaccine injured children. I read until my eyes burned, until my fingers couldn't type in one more search. I continued to put the pieces together. Slowly. I talked to parents who healed their child naturally.

Then I took action. I had four months until his appointment. Four months to find my little boy before the neurogist would give him a label.

I knew that some children are more predisposed to not being able to filter out toxins. I knew that toxins contribute to Autism. I knew that gut health is directly related to brain health. So the first step was to cut out all toxins. That meant no more vaccines. That meant all natural shampoo, fluoride free toothpaste, all natural baby lotion. I started using all natural cleaning products. I stopped using my Scentsy and burning carcinogen laden candles. I stopped using perfume. I used all natural laundry detergent. I stopped using fabric softner. I cut out every single possible toxin that I could. I started feeling better. Crew started to respond.

Then I knew I had to get rid of the toxins already built up in his body. I started with a heavy metal detox. Zeolite. It is all natural and it binds to heavy metals in the body and takes them out. Vaccines contain mercury. So does pitocin. So does seafood. That is why pregnant woman aren't supposed to eat it. But Mercury is safe to inject into a newborn's immature immune system? The Zeolite worked immediately. Within a few days he literally was a new little boy. I kept going. I started giving him a weekly detox bath in Epsom salts. I started using essential oils. I applied lemon, frankincense and lavendar essential oils to his feet at night. Lemon cleans out the cells while lavendar helps the body rest while Frankincense literally regenerates the cells. He showed more improvement. He started talking. My husband started calling me "Captain Crunch."

We took him to the chiropractor. He started getting weekly adjustments. Chiropractic care involves the nervous system. When the nervous system isn't working your immune system is compromised.

I needed to heal his gut. I introduced vitamins and supplements. I started him on a multivitamin, Vitamin D, vitamin c(kills free radicals, filters out toxins) I took him to an Iridoligist. I learned that Crew had a parasite. About 80% of Americans have some form of parasitic activity. We got rid of the parasite and he started to talk some more. The iridologist suggested to give him Cod liver oil and she adjusted his vitamin and supplements to exactly what his body needed. He showed more improvement. I introduced raw, organic milk. Probiotics. More improvement. I always had Crew on a very healthy diet. He only drank milk and water. Fruits, veggies, venison, organic meats. But because of the vaccines destroying his gut health and the parasite activity his little body wasn't absorbing nutrition.

Everything started coming together. Every day I woke up and saw more improvement. I was finding him. I cried tears of joy. I thanked God for helping me to help my son. For sending the right people to point me in the right direction and to share what worked for them. 

May came and so did his neurology appointment. I wasn't afraid any more. I knew deep down that he was fine. I knew that if I had continued on with his one year MMR vaccine and if I hadn't found a way to naturally heal him I would be terrified to go to that appointment. I was still nervous though. Any time you know someone is going to spend time with your child in order to "evaluate" him or try to find a label or category to put him in, you are going to be nervous. The neurologist laughed and in a nice way called me a "paranoid crazy mom." My husband and I kept telling him that the little boy sitting before him was much different than the little boy that needed an evalutation months before.

What have I learned on this emotional roller coaster with my first born son? I have learned to always trust my instincts. I've learned to do my own research. I've learned that giving my baby boy his vaccines is my biggest life's regret, but being able see with my own eyes what prayer and a Mother dedicated to helping her son can do is my greatest life's gift. I am thankful. I am thankful to see a happy little boy who is starting to put sentences together and says "thanks Mommy" a million times a day. I am thankful with every hug and kiss he gives me just because. I watch him sleep at night and weep. I know not everyone is this lucky. I know some people won't catch it in time. I'm thankful that when I talk to other Moms who are going through the same thing, but are afraid to talk to other's about it, come to me. I'm thankful that I can say, " I've already done the leg work. Try this. I've been there. It is so scary and sad, but I will try to point you in the right direction because I know you feel lost. You feel lost because you know your child is lost and you just want to find them too." 

I hear the harsh words other parents say. Parents who have no idea the thousands of hours I have spent researching every article I can find, reading vaccine inserts, weighing the pros and the cons. Parents who know that the CDC whistleblower admitted that the CDC covered up findings that proved vaccines are linked to autism in African American boys. If the CDC has findings that vaccines are indeed linked to Autism than maybe, just maybe we should be more concerned with the other adverse reactions listed. Especially knowing that autism is at 1 in 68. Autism is the least of our worries when it comes to vaccine reactions.

I hear the parents that say that my child who has NEVER even had a sniffle(minus vaccine reactions) will infect their child with the measles. Not knowing that THIER child who was recently vaccinated with the MMR vaccine is now carrying a live virus. A virus that sheds. It can shed to infants, the elderly, even middle aged adults. It is written right on the vaccine insert. Parents who judge my parenting because I have decided that acute health issues like measles and chicken pox aren't as scary to me as chronic health issues like deadly food allergies, seizures, asthma, autoimmune disorders, etc. People tell me that their children were fully vaccinated and they turned out just fine, but they have no problem posting on facebook pictures of their children with a nebulizer. Their child has deadly food allergies, seizures, asthma, constant ear infections, always sick, chronic colic, tourettes, ADHD, ADD, RA, the list goes on and on. Count how many times I have posted about my children being sick. Never. My daugher has never been touched by a needle. She is the happiest, most alert, and healthiest baby. I see the difference in her compared to Crew, but thankfully Crew has still never been sick. I had a completely drug free childbirth. My daughter surprised all of the nurses with her hearty appetite and alertness. My husband and I both were in awe over the difference of an unvaccinated child with an unmedicated childbirth.

Other parents like to use the words "jumping on the bandwagon". The term" jumping on the bandwagon" to me does not mean going against what the norm is. Jumping on the bandwagon is lining up like blind sheep to listen to what their pediatrician who actually gets paid for every vaccine given says. Jumping on the bandwagon to me means showing up at your baby's wellness checkup and doing no research other than blindly following what your pediatrician says and classifying that as "your own research." Did you know that if your child develops an adverse reaction and dies from a vaccine or is injured that the only person responsible is you?  You signed that form. Did you know that you cannot sue the vaccine manufacturers? Let that sink in for a moment. Then start thinking for yourself and wonder why on earth there would be one entity on earth that is impossible to have a lawsuit filed against? Then ask yourself, "is that who I trust with my child's health?

Read one vaccine insert. Read the list of adverse reactions. I have spoken to so many people who have either lost their child to vaccines or have a vaccine injured child for life. I have yet to speak with somone who lost their child to Measles or Polio. And help me Rhonda, the chicken pox are not deadly! Especially in a child with an immune system that has not been bombarded with foreign materials and toxins and live viruses. Read the list of ingredients on the vaccine inserts. Please tell me that you are 100% sure that they have absolutely NOTHING to do with the rampant rise of autism and cancer in children. True immunity is not achieved from a vaccine. A vaccine does not mean a child is immune. Only when a child has naturally acquired the illness can true immunity be obtained. 

If you want to tell me that you thank vaccines for keeping your child "healthy" and saving the world from diseases like polio then you need to understand that those diseases were already declining prior to the vaccine being introduced. So you should be saying," I thank the people who realized that basic handwashing and proper sanitation stopped the spread of disease.

Have you ever wondered why we don't have a vaccine for Scarlet Fever? I have. It would make sense wouldn't it?


I am not here to start a debate. I am not here to tell you how to raise your child. Do your own research. It is out there. I have already done the research I needed to, to be able to sleep at night knowing I am doing what is best for MY children.  I am here to share what helped my son. To share a tiny bit of the information that I have found. IF I can reach one other person who is going through what I went though then this post is worth the "friends" I will lose.


If you met Crew today, you would have no idea of the challenges that he has overcome. He is a typical 2 year old boy and he still melts my heart every day. I am so thankful.


  1. Thank you. Shared. It's so true. If something is wrong, don't despair (for long). Let your sorrow and misery slingshot you into a frenzy of learning and activity. Embrace the despair and put it to work! All can be overcome!

  2. Thank you for sharing your inspirational story. May others read this and start trusting their own intuition more than the person (authority) in a white coat who is either indoctrinated or profiting from the vaccines - maybe both! Remember, no one knows a child better than his/her parents! Best of luck and health to you and your family!

  3. What a wonderful mum you are, you recognized the problem and did everything in your power to fix it. You went against the grain and your peer's for your child. Thankyou for sharing your family's story

  4. Thank you for sharing your story. So difficult to read it until 3/4s of the way through when you had caught it in time. What a wonderful mum you are to have listened to your gut which was beaten back from authority figures but then to have continued to listen to your gut. Does your son really say "thanks Mommy" all the time! - Too beautiful. - How intelligent they are.

  5. Thank you for this piece. I have just finished a fantastic, informative book called "Saying No to Vaccines" by Dr. Sherri Tenpenny. I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in learning about vaccines, their ingredients, side effects, history, etc.

  6. Thank you for sharing your will save others. It is essential to preserve the human right to fully informed medical voluntary medical risk taking, including for vaccines.

  7. Such an honest and well expressed article. Thank you. It might be of interest to note that most healthcare practitioners i know who work directly with kids with autism and special needs do not vax their own children. Therefore i chose not to vax my kids but confronted the same judgement and disdain from others. Thanks for sharing.

  8. This is very similar to my own story, except my wife and I were blessed that it never got as bad for as it did with you, and (probably as a result of that) we didn't wake up to the facts until just before our third son was born. Our first had lots of bad reactions and developed several autoimmune conditions in the days following his vaccinations, but I was so indoctrinated I didn't put two and two together. Then our second son almost died with a fever of 105 shortly after getting his shots, and also had a few mild Autism Spectrum symptoms, which made me start to search for the cause, but it was years before I allowed myself to consider that vaccines were the culprit. By the time our third son was born, my wife didn't want him to be vaccinated at all, but I was still unsure, so I went ahead and consented, and he only got the pointless Hepatitis B vaccine. A few days later, I made my final decision, and we stopped vaccinating all of them. We have had two more children since then, and the difference between our first three boys from boy #4 and our only girl could not be more obvious! I wish I had woken up sooner, but like what you did, our first three boys have healed and grown past their vaccine-inflicted injuries, and we're moving forward now in every way. It doesn't matter as much who we've been, but who we're becoming, so the future looks very bright for us. Thank you for sharing all of this with us! Hopefully others will learn and save their children's lives and well-being as well.

  9. As a side thought... Does anyone else think it's weird that on one hand doctors say that adverse reactions are "normal", while on the other hand they also say they're "rare"? That was something I realized while reading this incredible article.

  10. Thanks for being brave. You are an awesome mom.

  11. What an amazing and inspirational story. Thank you so much for posting in a blog. I have shared your blog as well. Your son's story will help so many. I have met some of the most intelligent and articulate, courageous women -- so powerful to help create change and make a difference in the lives of others yet doctors look at us with those nineteen eyes if we dare question anything even when in the end, it turns out we were right and they were wrong. It will one day happen with vaccinations. We just have to keep fighting and help raise awareness.

    I experienced this with my daughter when we learned that topical steroids were making her eczema worse (eczema rash I believe was caused by the last set of vaccinations as it came out of the blue and hit us like a freight train) and she sent on to suffer from something doctors told me didn't exist - Red Skin Syndrome caused by topical steroids, a negative side effect the FDA overlooked. I can't tell you how many doctors called me crazy for years, but I ignored it because I knew I was on to something and I was able to connect with other parents thanks to the Internet who were experiencing the same with their children. We weren't crazy after all. I was determined to get my daughter well again, off topical steroids. After my daughter healed, I also did a blog for other parents and I get emails all the time from around the world thanking me for helping their family. It is amazing how many lives your story may touch and you have no idea just how powerful this blog will be. Finally the National Eczema Association here in the U.S. admitted there is indeed something called TSA/Red skin Syndrome from overuse and over-prescribed steroids after so many of us moms and suffering individuals relentlessly bombarded their office with letters and phone calls for years!

    I remember the day I first brought this up to my daughter's treating doctor years ago-- he told me not to believe all the garbage I read on the Internet -- well, guess it wasn't garbage after all as NEA finally published a paper on Red Skin Syndrome caused by topical steroids. My friends and I always say that mothers (and some dads) truly do a more thorough job of investigating than the FBI and eventually we put the pieces together when it comes to our children's health. Sadly, we are taught to ignore one of the most sacred gifts ever, mother intuition.

    This controversy over vaccinations is not over -- it has just begun and I do believe the truth prevails in the end. California trying to pass SB277 which will force parents to vaccinate their children is going to backfire. It has already opened up a Pandora's box. I have learned so much over the past couple of years just how detrimental vaccinations can be for certain individuals. I do believe my daughter was one of them -- she just isn't able to break down toxins from vaccinations and certain medications such as topical steroids. Thank you again for sharing your son's story. I am so happy for him and you and may he have a bright and healthy future ahead of him. He is very lucky to have a mom like you!

  12. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy to hear that you were able to heal your son. Would you mind sharing your resources, books and info that you resourced to help heal his system.

  13. I feel like you were telling our story, right up to the end! Thank you for sharing and being brave. You are a spectacular mother! I know first hand the blood, sweat, and tears that you put in and continue to put in. Coming up against the world is what it feels like when you start to fight the norm. Just know we are there with you even though it seems they work so hard to make you seem uneducated, hippy, crazy for your choices. It isn't true, you are educated, thoughtful, and in my opinion a courageous parent. We don't know each other, but I send you love from our home and hearts. I hope all our stories reach many open minded mothers and pediatricians.

  14. How can I contact you? You wrote " I've already done the leg work. Try this. I've been there. It is so scary and sad, but I will try to point you in the right direction because I know you feel lost. You feel lost because you know your child is lost and you just want to find them too." You have described me. Someone on the face book page "Awake California" posted a link to your blog. I don't see how to contact you, besides posting a comment here. I want to ask for help to heal my son who is on the autism spectrum. --Terri Leonard

  15. Which zeolite did you buy and where did you get it from?

  16. Thank you for sharing. I have so many questions because I feel just like you, wanting to do exactly the right thing for my child! Could I email you?